Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Overwhelmed

Tonight I am overwhelmed. I am trying to work after not getting much done during the day and Kellan will NOT sleep. Well, he will, as long as I stay right next to him. As long as I stay next to him he is fine, but if I get up, within twenty minutes he is awake and crying – and then there is no consoling him except for nursing him back to sleep. Even if I stay next to him, he wakes up every 45 minutes or so crying and only wants to nurse. He won’t go to Jim at night – just Mommy. So, I am working from the couch with my boy stretched out next to me, smiling in his sleep, with his feet propped up on my keyboard.

I am lucky to work from home and to get to be with Kellan all day most days, but it is hard. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in 1,000 directions. I am new to this Mommy gig and I want so much to be good at it and to do everything “right”. I know that that is the most important job I will ever have. But I need to keep my paying job and I have to be good at that, too. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to excel at being both a mom and good at my job at the same time that I don’t do well at either.

Then I feel guilty. Guilty for feeling overwhelmed because my boy needs me right now and I am tied to this laptop instead. Guilty because I should be working, but I have to keep stopping to nurse my baby and get him back to sleep. Guilty for feeling frustrated with both.

This is hard. All I want to do is spend time with Kellan and enjoy every second of his babyhood, but I have to work. Juggling it all is harder than I ever thought it would be and I envy those stay-at-home-moms with every inch of my being, even though I know that’s hard too. Not every day feels this difficult, but today I am overwhelmed.

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